Tuesday, August 2, 2011

struggling....

Today dear friends, I am struggling. Some days I think I live in a world of wishes. I see Mom and we talk and I think she is better and I decide to forget that she has a terminal illness. Some days I try to ignore the signs of her illness. Some days I even talk to her about when she is better...all the projects we have to work on...And some days it strikes my heart that she is fading away.
  My life is about to take a terrible turn and I know I am not ready. I know I will never be ready. My Mom is the one person that has always accepted me just the way I am. She knows my flaws, she knows my heart and she loves me for  me. She is my cheerleader my adviser and my friend. My world is better with her here. I am suffering.
  I had someone tell me that this is the circle of life. Of course I my mind knows that but my heart doesn't understand or accept what is coming. I know that God will give me the strength when I need it but for today I struggle. 
  I want to be as strong as she is, I want to be as generous as she is and I want love my kids unconditionally just as she does. Her legacy will be that she devoted her life to being a wife and a mother. We are the legacy of her life. We are the ones she devoted her time and talents to, her love and delight.
  Today, I am struggling.

12 comments:

cynthia lee designs said...

My heart is breaking for you...and today, I'm saying prayers for you.
hugs,
Cindy

Angela said...

I so share your feelings.These are ladies that have been our first source of security, our first taste of love, and our constant advisor, nurse,fan, and friend. It's not easy. Mother hasn't known us for a while, but on Sunday when I went in and told her who I was she said, "Well, kiss me" My emotions overflowed.
I wish you some kind of peace, but I can't say more. We all deal with situations in a differnt way. We will get thru this with God's help. But today I send prayers and hugs your way
Angela

Becky said...

Dear Ohio Farm girl...
This letter could be my letter a mere 5 months ago.
I lost my dad in 2006,one day after my b-day to cancer.
I thought my world had ended.
5 months ago I lost my mama.
Your letter could be my letter,my thoughts,my pain.
All I can tell you is this journey is a roller coaster.you go up one day and the next day plummet to the ground below.
I will keep you in my prayers,because we all need as many as we can gather.Good days are trying but when you are struggling like you are right now,we all need to pull together in prayer to help you with this.
I am so very sorry aobut your precious mom.It hurts so badly to sit and watch,knowing there is nothing you can do but love them,hold their hand and pray for them not to suffer.
Hang on tight to those around you.Don't be too hard on your self.You have to do what you can,and don't second guess yourself on what you can't do.
I too am an Ohio girl.You are in my thoughts and prayers.I care.Blessings,Becky

Gumbo Lily said...

Oh Dianntha, I know that struggle. Both my mom and my mil suffered long with diseases that took their lives, but hold on to this day. Take the grace that God gives you just for today, and don't look too far down the road. This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it! (Psalm 118:24)

Prayers,
Jody

Debbie said...

~I am praying for you dear Dianntha.
And support you whole-heartedly. The way you describe your mom is so lovely. She sounds like a wonderful/amazing woman!!!
Take care of Dianntha..too..Lots of love, and hugs!

Love,
Debbie

bettyj said...

It well may be the "circle of life", but intellectualizing something makes the hurt no less. My heart breaks for you. My only advice is live in the now. Enjoy the moment. People in blogland are prayers, for the most part, and I KNOW many are being said for you.
betty

Penelope's Beehive said...

Sending prayers and hugs your way.
~ Judy

Tammy ~ Country Girl at Home ~ said...

Dianntha,

My heart breaks for you too! I will be praying!

Hugs,
Tammy

Joy said...

I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your mother today. Hugs and prayers...peace be with you.

Lili Bear said...

My thoughts are always with you, I pray that your mother doesn't suffer too much physical pain, and I pray that you find the strength in you to face these moments. And I know you will. Because you have Faith, because you have the gift of Love.
Because you have Hope.
But sometimes Hope is not a gift, because it makes you believe that a miracle will happen, that Love will be stronger than all the rest, stronger than illness. But it can't. And that's very unsettling.
Keep in mind that your mother will survive through her children and grand children, through all the ones whose lives she has touched. When she's gone, she'll actually still be there, watching over you.
My daughter (11) is very afraid that she might lose me and I keep telling her that even if she doesn't see me or hear me, she mustn't doubt that I will be there with her all the time. Because you cannot have children and love them sooooo much and then simply disappear. I will always believe that Love survives and overcomes all things.
Hugs sweetie. May our prayers help you and you mum.

Becky said...

My prayers continue for all of you.Blessings,Becky

Linda ★ Parker's Paradise said...

Dianntha,
My heart just goes out to you. In the last couple years, my hubby has lost 2 sisters and a BIL. You can never be prepared for it. The memories never go away but the pain does fade with time.
His sister's favorite saying is from Dr. Seuss=
'Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.'
★Linda★