I am going to be more honest than you probably want me to be. Yesterday, after I posted a picture about my redecorating I had a meltdown. It was my own fault. They say waves of grief come at unexpected times and yesterday that is what happened.
I had most everything done when I realized that I wanted to move one of the paintings that my Mom had painted for me. I took it off the nail and when I turned around her signature was right at eye level. And that is all it took. It was like a thief in the night, the realization that Mom is gone in a way that seems like forever. The panic of my heart, the tears the sobbing. A meltdown.
Our youngest daughter was right there in the room and she just started trying to comfort me. I just needed to cry and so I did. I has been such a long 7 weeks without her. How many times I have picked up the phone to call her where something funny has turned sad...a very long 7 weeks. When a waive of grief attacks you it is almost unbearable. Mom has always been my best friend and without her I have become lost. I continue to move and do but my heart is burdened with pain.
Now I don't want you to get me wrong. This has nothing to do with faith. I have powerful Lord who is loving and kind and will continue to support me and encourage me. No, I am talking about the selfish part of me who wasn't ready, would never be ready to give her up. The child in me who looks for my Mom because she was always there and always the first to encourage. She was unconditional love and all the things I now strive to be. Yesterday was not a good day. Today my body is tired and I feel alone but I will continue to do what I need to do. To be a Mom who is getting her daughter ready of homecoming...to be a Mom to another who is struggling to find her place in the college world and to be the Mom my daughter needs as she starts her first job in her career and faces a possible move. I will do all these things because that is what Mom would have wanted, that is what she taught me to do. I know that this wave of grief will subside but for today...it is overwhelming.
I had most everything done when I realized that I wanted to move one of the paintings that my Mom had painted for me. I took it off the nail and when I turned around her signature was right at eye level. And that is all it took. It was like a thief in the night, the realization that Mom is gone in a way that seems like forever. The panic of my heart, the tears the sobbing. A meltdown.
Our youngest daughter was right there in the room and she just started trying to comfort me. I just needed to cry and so I did. I has been such a long 7 weeks without her. How many times I have picked up the phone to call her where something funny has turned sad...a very long 7 weeks. When a waive of grief attacks you it is almost unbearable. Mom has always been my best friend and without her I have become lost. I continue to move and do but my heart is burdened with pain.
Now I don't want you to get me wrong. This has nothing to do with faith. I have powerful Lord who is loving and kind and will continue to support me and encourage me. No, I am talking about the selfish part of me who wasn't ready, would never be ready to give her up. The child in me who looks for my Mom because she was always there and always the first to encourage. She was unconditional love and all the things I now strive to be. Yesterday was not a good day. Today my body is tired and I feel alone but I will continue to do what I need to do. To be a Mom who is getting her daughter ready of homecoming...to be a Mom to another who is struggling to find her place in the college world and to be the Mom my daughter needs as she starts her first job in her career and faces a possible move. I will do all these things because that is what Mom would have wanted, that is what she taught me to do. I know that this wave of grief will subside but for today...it is overwhelming.
9 comments:
Hang in there. It doesn't get better but somehow gets easier. The grief turns from sadness to warmth as the memories bring a smile to your face and heart. Time.....it takes time and we all get threw it as different speeds.
I will keep you in my prayers for comfort and strength.
Dianntha, I agree with Robin's comment, it doesn't get better, but it does get easier. My Dad has been gone 13 1/2 years and I still miss him, I'm sure I always will. I still get mad at him because he smoked like a fiend. He never knew my youngest and only just met our middle son. Let the tears flow - it will help. ~Ann
I lost my Mom when I was 17, I know how bad it hurts, she was never in my home and never got to know the grown up me. One thing I think I got out of it was that I know how bad someone is hurting that lost their Mother. It has come to me many times over to be a Momma to somebody who really needed one, even if it was only for a short time. Maybe that will be your new job, since you had a really good Momma it sounds like. God knows you will know how...
Blessings to you in the way of a peace that passes all understanding.
Someone in E.Tn is praying for you. It is okay to cry and it is okay if your children see your pain. You were blessed to have a mother you could call your best friend. cherish your memories, and I agree, it has nothing to do with lack of faith, but plain old heart ache.
Prayers
It has been 10 years since I lost my Mom and best friend and I still go to the phone to call her.
I miss her with all my heart.
I am so sorry for your loss- and I can totally understand how you must feel because that's how I will feel when that day comes for me. My mom is my best friend. Am praying for strength and comfort for you today!
((((Dianntha))))) Hugs for you friend. It's not fair that grief can sneek up like that but it's always best to let it out. I'm praying for you to find peace and comfort.
Carmen and the Primcats
It is not a bad thing for your children to see you cry. They need to know it is alright to grieve to and if they do not see you grieve they might not feel like they can. Saying a prayer for you right now.
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