Hello Dear Friends,
I am sitting here with Mother today. It is just her and I and it is peaceful here. Most days there are so many people in and out and so much noise. But today the doors are open, the ac is off and we are listening to crickets and birds and all sorts of nature noises...it is wonderful.
But today Mother is too quiet. She has been sleeping for too many hours and days. She is so tired, so exhausted that I now only get moments of time with her. She is still the most courageous person I know. She is with us now for such a short time, her body is so small but her smile still so bright. Oh how my heart hurts, how I want to remember all the time we have spent together. I have so many wonderful memories of our times with my children, shopping, crafting and gardening.
Mother is my biggest champion, always encouraging at just the right time. I don't think there was a time that she thought I couldn't do something..she would just be confident that I could and...I needed to get started. My Mother has spent countless hours in her garden and mine....Oh I want to remember every moment. But for now I am trying to enjoy just being here with her. She would do the same for me.
I am sitting here beside her as she sleeps and dreams of heaven. I know she is ready, I know that the Lord will be taking her from me and I am not sure how I will survive but I know she has confidence in me and I have so much love for her that I will be brave enough to let her make her way to Heaven when the time is right.
Today dear friends, I am struggling. Some days I think I live in a world of wishes. I see Mom and we talk and I think she is better and I decide to forget that she has a terminal illness. Some days I try to ignore the signs of her illness. Some days I even talk to her about when she is better...all the projects we have to work on...And some days it strikes my heart that she is fading away.
My life is about to take a terrible turn and I know I am not ready. I know I will never be ready. My Mom is the one person that has always accepted me just the way I am. She knows my flaws, she knows my heart and she loves me for me. She is my cheerleader my adviser and my friend. My world is better with her here. I am suffering.
I had someone tell me that this is the circle of life. Of course I my mind knows that but my heart doesn't understand or accept what is coming. I know that God will give me the strength when I need it but for today I struggle.
I want to be as strong as she is, I want to be as generous as she is and I want love my kids unconditionally just as she does. Her legacy will be that she devoted her life to being a wife and a mother. We are the legacy of her life. We are the ones she devoted her time and talents to, her love and delight.
Today, I am struggling.